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The One Question That Forced Me to Transform My Life

Are you afraid to rest? Feel as if you have too much to do, but somehow diligently accomplish everything? Feel responsible for making sure everything goes right, for everyone, everywhere? Experience guilt if you sleep in, go to bed early, or take a nap?

That was me until about six months ago. After having a major health scare, largely brought on by stress, and being forced to resign from many of my commitments, I had to find a healthier way to move forward. After telling my therapist that I felt responsible for letting so many people down, she asked me, “What is your responsibility to yourself?”

I was stunned, as no one (including myself) had ever asked me that question before. That one question forced me to re-evaluate my life in light of all that I still want to accomplish. I decided everything I want to do with the rest of my life depends on me having a healthy heart and physical health.

Steps I have taken

Scheduling Free Time – My therapist challenged me to a 1:2 ratio with 1 part work and contribution and 2 parts free time for other pursuits. I’m working toward that. I’m about 1:1. I calendar my free time.

Being mindful– When I am doing a task, including chopping vegetables or washing the dishes, I stay present in the moment.

Keeping Sabbath – The word Sabbath comes from a Hebrew word meaning “day of rest”. I do my best to keep one day free to rest, read for fun, or just noodling around.

Daily Journaling – I do morning pages every day, but I also keep a second journal for daily observations. There, I write about my guilt and regrets, and every day I begin by writing the question, “What is my responsibility to myself?”

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Blog

How to increase your odds of dying without regrets

If you want to live and die without regrets, why not take steps now? I’ve been asking myself this question since I first came across palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware’s article about the top five regrets expressed by those dying in her care. I then wondered what other dying regrets I could find. I ended up with the following list, which I have modeled on physicist Richard Feynman’s 12 problems. Below, I offer 13, a baker’s dozen. This ‘inner challenge’ has offered clarity and is life-changing. You’re invited to take the challenge with me.

How can I live a life that is true to myself, not the life that others expect of me? What is my purpose?

How can I actively build more relaxation and fun in my life, instead of working so hard?

How can I learn to have the courage to express my feelings? How can I love more?

How can I stay in touch with my friends?

How can I let myself be happier?

How can I learn to worry less?

What has to change for me to be a better parent and/or partner?

How can I learn to care less about what others think?

How can I touch more lives and inspire more people?

How can I learn to be comfortable enough to take more risks?

What has to happen for me to take better care of myself?

How can I embrace each moment as a gift and not take life for granted?

How can I learn to live in the NOW?

I have been thinking about these questions since the beginning of the year. I carry them around with me on the notes app on my phone. I journal about them daily. As with anything, when we focus thoughtfully and listen, we find we often already know at least some answers. Try it and see for yourself. It works!

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Are you a workaholic? Tips to organize your way to less stress and more peace

Are you trying to ease your work stress while still being productive? I’m sharing some things I’m doing that have helped.

Non-stop work has been my only vice for my entire life. I often worked 7 days a week. I was proud of this until a few months ago. I had a major health scare and ended up in the Emergency Room. The doctor gave it to me straight – get rid of the stress and learn to relax, or I was likely to die sooner rather than later.

With that incentive, I looked at my life to figure out how and where to make effective changes. I worked to create a system that I could (and would) follow.

Here are the changes I have made:

Quitting time: I end my days at 3 pm or earlier every day. I have insomnia and start work when I get up for the day, sometimes as early as 2 am.

Take all breaks: I used to sit for hours without a break. Now, I use the Pomodoro Method and take breaks after 25 minutes.

Walk regularly: I diligently try to walk at least 5 minutes out of every 30 minutes. Basically, after each Pomodoro Break.

Sabbath Day: It’s not just for Christians. We all need a weekly day of rest.

Artist’s Date: This comes from author Julia Cameron, who advises taking an Artist’s Date each week. Rules are: be alone, for at least an hour, doing anything that sparks your curiosity.

Practice Heart-Centered Breathing: I do this at least 3x each day for at least 3 minutes.

Done List: I write down every task as I finish it on a sticky note on my computer.

Daily Wrap-up: At the end of every day, in a designated notebook, I note all my finished tasks for the day. I then write what went well, what could have gone better, and what I want to do next time, or the next day. This puts a nice successful period on the end of my day.

There are a few more things I do daily, but I find these are key. I’m still tweaking my system, but I’ve noticed a definite difference in my blood pressure and how I feel. You will too.

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Power of the Hawthorne Effect: How to easily change your behavior

What is the Hawthorne Effect? Basically, this is the tendency for some people to change their behavior when they become aware of being observed. For example, we might all identify with looking busy or working harder if we know the boss is watching.

For myself, and the purposes of this essay, I twist this definition a bit, because I become both the actor and the observer.

I discovered this effect before I ever knew there was a name for it. To help me lose Thanksgiving pounds, I began using an app to record my meals. The app divided food into three color coded groups – eat lots of this, not so much of this, and “Danger, Will Robinson” for certain foods, mostly carbs.

After only a few days of recording meals and looking at the analysis, I found myself choosing more from the ‘eat lots of this’ group. It took a few more days before I realized that’s what I was doing.

This may not work for everyone, but I’m convinced the power for my change was in the act of recording (acting) and then checking the results (observing).

Other places this effect might work on the personal level that I’m describing here include: words written, pages read, steps walked, amount of practice time; number of specific exercise reps – basically, anything that you are looking to improve. By recording and observing, you are focused on the positive improvements and changes. You begin doing more of what works.

I know that I also become self-competitive. If I regularly walk 5K steps, I begin to try for 6K. I’m subconsciously challenged to improve my results. Thus, I end up achieving more of my desired outcomes.

I invite you to try changing your behavior with the Hawthorne Effect.

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The Power of a “Done” List

If you, like me, regularly forget the 8 of 10 tasks you have finished while brooding on the two you didn’t, this essay is for you. I have always been productive. However, I consistently focused on the unfinished tasks of the day. I finally came up with a solution that works for me. I’m sharing it because it might work for others.

How to begin

Create a page for the day, week, or month in a notes app on your phone or computer. Any kind of list that works for you is fine. I like to list mine daily, because that is where I have focused my attention.

It can be helpful to move your completed daily items to the weekly list and your weekly completed items to your monthly lists during your review. Some of us (looks around and raises hand) need to visually see the cumulative effect of what we have done and accomplished.

Keeping track

This can happen in several ways. Please don’t trust that you can do a wrap-up from memory at the end of the day. Trust me. Those who are wired like this will always forget to acknowledge something we have finished.

It’s best to keep track incrementally during the day. Tie your recording of finished tasks to something else that is timed.

Use whatever works for you. I use the Pomodoro method, and at the end of each focus period, before my break, I write down what I have accomplished. I also use Toggl to track and time my tasks.

You can also use interstitial journaling, a calendar, a time log, or sticky notes on the computer. Whatever works is fine.

The Payoff

Track your progress and finished tasks daily. Soon, you’ll acknowledge how much you do. I promise, it’s a game-changer.

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The Power of a Tolerations List

What are you tolerating in your business? In your life? Think of the things that irritate you, that could be eliminated, but you continue to put up with them.

Because we are wired to look for the negativity, a survivor skill left over from the earliest days of humans, this may be a very easy list for some of you to create.

If you are having trouble, try mentally walking through your day from the time you get up: bare feet on a cold floor, maybe a throw rug would be helpful. No brown belt to go with your brown pants? Put it on the list. You get the idea.

Take a walk through each room in your house, and note all the things you have been putting up with. It could be too much stuff, too much mess, or things in places that don’t make sense. Write it all down.

At work, things you tolerate could be as small as never having a pen with ink when you need one, not having a pencil sharpener, or a larger issue, such as not having enough training for the tasks you are expected to do. Maybe your job is not a good fit. Write them all on the list.

Once you have your master list, you can simply begin eliminating the problem. If you want to get more detailed, you can divide the list by time or money needed, or by linking items. The new throw rug and a brown belt can go on the next shopping list, along with new pens for your desk.

The power of a tolerations list is that issues move from irritations to solvable problems. I promise more energy, clarity of mind, and relief as you take care of each item.

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Blog Podcasts Poetry and Prompts

10 Lessons Learned from Doing NaPodPoMo for the first time

Last November, I decided to tackle one of the items on my bucket list and learn how to do a podcast. National Podcast Post Month aka NaPodPoMo was the perfect opportunity.  The challenge was to post 30 podcasts in 30 days.  I successfully completed the challenge. Below, I’ve listed ten of the lessons I learned .

Lessons Learned

  1. Try new things even if you are afraid. It is easier if you are with a group of folks that are on the same path. My cheerleading group,
    NaPodPoMo.org x Dreemport.com | Powered by CWH group, helped me figure things out, let me know of helpful apps, and were a joy to co-work with.
  2. Baby bites are totally okay.  Because I wanted to focus on learning the technology, I decided to use the daily poetry and writing prompts emails I have been sending out for more than 2 years. Normally, I would have designed some big project that took a lot of planning and research. Being content with a baby bite was a big achievement for me.
  3. Define success on your terms. Is success publishing 30 podcasts for the challenge? Or learning how to podcast by practicing the steps from conception to publish on a few podcasts? You decide.
  4. Everything has a process composed of separate steps.  You may look at the entire process, but focus only on the first step, then the next’ and so on.
  5. Give yourself the grace of an open mind and a willingness to try more than once if the first, or second, or third time doesn’t work. This is a new skill you are learning. I like to think of a child learning to walk. I can’t and won’t fail nearly as many times as I fell on my bum while learning to walk. And, here I am walking everyday.
  6. Be patient with yourself and be willing to walk away for a bit. There’s no shame in returning with a fresh brain.  The longer you sit there trying to push through, the more stuck you will be.
  7. Know your signal that frustration is setting in. Mine is anger. If I start to get angry, or start to swear at the screen, I know it is time to walk away, change tasks, get a fresh coffee, water, or tea.  Or go for a quick walk around the block. Anything to interrupt the mental pattern of “I’m not getting this. I’m never going to get this.”
  8. Remember, your learning pace is yours. Don’t let yourself feel shamed  if you aren’t moving as fast as others or if you are told that you are moving too far ahead. Again, your learning pace is yours!
  9. Find a buddy or buddies to keep you company while you try that new challenge. Virtually works fine and may even be better than in person. Schedule a time to talk about progress and maybe to co-work  virtually.  The support, suggestions, and different perspectives provided will inevitably speed you along.
  10. Celebrate every victory! When you learn to script, use your mic, record on your computer, add transition music, find your RSS feed – every small step in the process is worth celebrating. Put your focus on what you accomplished not what you didn’t do.

My Bonus Lessons.

This was a fun experiment. In addition to the lessons listed below, I also learned about many useful podcast related applications and software programs that I will continue to explore. I learned enough that I am now completely comfortable with the steps involved in taking a podcast from idea to published. And, I met new friends to share the fun with.  I’m already planning more than one new podcast series for the future.

If you would like to listen to Poetry and Prompts, click on the links  anchor.fm https://anchor.fm/jessica-l-lloyd-rog

Spotify  https://open.spotify.com/show/4KEGIJV4otOuqoPGT6zia1 

If you would like to subscribe, here’s the link to my RSS feed.

https://anchor.fm/s/c71747d4/podcast/rss

 

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Blog

The Power of Heart-Centered Breathing

Want to calm down? Drop your attention out of your head and into your heart. Picture yourself breathing through your heart, and then begin to slow your breathing down even more. It only takes a minute to reset to coherence, which means all your systems line up and work in harmony.

Science has discovered that emotions such as frustration, irritation, impatience, anger, and worry disrupt our system, inhibit brain function, and impair our performance. Conversely, emotions such as appreciation, calmness, patience, and confidence promote optimal performance by creating coherence.

Why does heart-centered breathing work?

We’ve known for years that the heart and brain constantly communicate. More recently, scientists have discovered the heart sends 5-10 times the number of messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart.

Heart rhythms directly affect the brain centers involved in foresight, decision-making, social awareness, and our ability to self-regulate. Our cortex (the front part of our brain) does the thinking. But, it can only do that when the thalamus tells it to do so, because the thalamus is the command center and synchronizes all the cortical activity.

When we focus on our heart, it changes what is happening with both the sympathetic (our gas pedal) and the parasympathetic (our brake) nervous systems. When we are incoherent, they work against each other. By bringing our attention to the heart, these systems synchronize and begin working together. This harmony changes and unlocks the brain in a beneficial way.

The next time you feel out of sorts (incoherent), center your attention on your heart and begin to breathe yourself into coherence. It works.

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The Power of Self-Soothing

We all have those moments when we feel emotionally overwhelmed and out of control. We become dysregulated, described as ‘an abnormality or impairment in the regulation of a metabolic, physiological, or psychological process’.

I didn’t understand this until a few years ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD. Normally a person with great self-control, I would sometimes find myself irrationally angry, anxious, frustrated, or zoning out without understanding where it came from or what to do about it.

To my horror, my episodes seemed to replicate those of children I had cared for in our foster home. That’s when I realized that dysregulation can happen to all of us. I knew I had to learn ‘adult-sized’ self-soothing techniques.

Grounding with the Senses

When we are dysregulated, we are not grounded. Having a toolbox of potential coping techniques is imperative. Some of these techniques will work better than others, depending on what your leading sense is.

For example, just before I sat down to write this article, I baked some cranberry orange scones with walnuts and made a cup of Lapsang Souchong tea. Baking always calms me down, as does tea. This tea in particular has magical calming qualities for me. (It was a hard day)

Some Techniques:

Touch: walking, marching in place, stamping your feet on the floor, running cold water over your wrists, or washing your face, stepping outside, drinking a glass of water.

Smell: a good cup of coffee or a favorite tea, a whiff of lavender (or your favorite aromatherapy oil), or fresh scones

Sight: looking at a favorite picture or painting, taking a moment to doodle or color, temporarily taking yourself to another room with different visuals

Think about how you perceive the world, and make a list of possible grounding techniques. Save them for when you need them.

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Let’s Change the FEAR Acronym

Many of us have faced challenging situations and been told (or told ourselves) that fear was simply False Evidence Appearing Real. This platitude is a favorite saying of feel-good gurus, prosperity proselytizers, and those who are more comfortable with platitudes than solutions. It is the verbal equivalent of a pat on the head and a ‘there, there’.

It does nothing to ease the concerns that individuals wrestle with when facing the unknown or known, but seemingly insurmountable. They have good reason to fear, even knowing the need to move ahead.

Fear can not only be real but justified.

False Evidence Appearing Real denies the reality. Often the person saying this has never experienced the situation and has no idea how real it is and how it impacts the individual’s life. Hence, they come from a place of privilege.

Long ago, as a single parent living below the poverty line, I had more than my share of scary circumstances. After hearing this bromide one too many times, I decided to craft my own.

Face the Evidence and Respond

By reinterpreting the acronym to Face the Evidence and Respond, I felt I was acknowledging the reality and giving myself the courage to respond by making it a directive. “Do this. Look at what is really in front of you. What is in your power to do? Then take action. Do you need to make a phone call? Set up a payment plan? Make alternate arrangements? Make a list and then take action. Communicate.”

Reframing takes shame to action

Re-stating the acronym from the old version to Face the Evidence and Respond gives the recipient courage to move forward and encourages action v. shaming them for perceiving an obstacle. It moves one from victim to survivor. Face Evidence and Respond.